Ranting with a bit of raving, but so far no foaming.

The longer I'm a mom, the more Lord of the Flies rings true. I remember reading it in high school and being offended by such a view of humanity. Having kids, though, gives you the chance to wake up and smell the dark side....just on some days of course. I thought everything was so zen for the past few weeks, and then today, the start of a 5 day holiday here, has turned everything on its head.

First, the girls. Who's children are these again? One minute everything is great, yet, before I even know what's happening, they're conspiring against me. They're usually responsible and responsive, on some days (and today was one of those) it's all about let's play, goof around and act like monkeys, break things, ignore everything mom asks us to do while she's making breakfast, doing the laundry (by hand), having a shower and cleaning the house. Then when she's done, let's bug her for croissants, sausages and chocolate. No wait. Let's not wait till she's done. Let's keep asking her NOW, and let's make a huge mess while we wait for her to get these things for us. Then when we get to Dablan's house, let's keep bugging mom and telling Dablan we're hungry so he'll bring us cake and goodies. Then on the way home, let's tease our dumbstruck mom about what she's wearing (who is this child? has she suddenly decided to become the worst little nasty bully on the playground? It was one in particular in this case; she shall remain unamed but I will say she is markedly smaller/younger than the other one). Oh, now let's top it off by refusing to go to sleep.

I have to take the reins back. Maybe I'm using too much bribing. This whole martyr/whining schtick is not the norm for me at all. But, to really drive the point, an hour ago, I asked Lauren to stay in her room and somehow through some sweet talk, I suppose, she is currently sleeping in my bed.

What is my problem? I appear, as some wise person must have once quipped, to have a wishbone where my backbone oughta be.

Maybe I feel guilty for bringing them here? That doesn't make sense though since it's the best thing that's ever happened to them, but then again it is not a very usual thing to do...just pick up your kids and go live in France for a while. Could the unusuallness of it be making me worried or even guilty so I'm turning into a pushover?

Maybe it's that I am genuinely so proud of them. Several times a day, I think about how well they're doing and I feel myself beaming with pride about them. This morning, I even thought about writing a blog bragging about them until they started driving me nuts shortly after. Do I get deluded about their preciousness while letting them turn into little beasts.

All I know is that, even after all this struggling today, tonight as I was leaving Lauren in my bed feeling utterly exasperated, she had the gall to refer to a promise I'd made earlier in the day...she started to say: "hey mom, if I'm still sleeping when you make my French toast in the morning..." I stopped her right there. What is wrong with this picture?

I need to become my own super nanny. That's it. Strict schedules and systems of consequences tomorrow. It's amazing how a clearly defined schedule and a consistent consequence can transform the daily lives of a family. I tend to eschew those in my own free spirit ways, but they are so useful with kids.

Another thing I didn't like about today is the major influx of people. Is all of England having a five day "weekend" right now? I ask because I think all of England has shown up in Dinan. (Also we're having a five day "weekend" here in France). Even all our boating neighbors have shown up in the past few days, and, with a few exceptions, most of them are British. A bunch of British kids stopped me in the street (thinking I was a local) and asked me 4 banal questions in the worst french accent you can imagine (I felt pretty smug about it). There seemed to be hundreds of British school groups out yesterday and today. Anyway, it's not their fault; it's just my mood. I'm letting all these small things get to me.

My sense of utter peace with the universe has gone sailing down the Rance river, perhaps. But I do intend to go get that back asap.

In my lax attitude toward my scheduling, I also over scheduled us for tomorrow and now we have to miss a nature walk that I really wanted to do.

And another thing, a la Jerry Seinfield (whom I don't find very funny but I do think it's funny to say the following sentence a la him) What's up with these hormones? I arrived in France on my, what?, 44th birthday. How the? Anyway, here it is and the hormonal changes, especially over the last 2 years, have been shocking. Not that hormonal changes are ever anything but challenging, right. Of course, that is what they are, whether you're in puberty, pregnant, or even just going through regular cyclic fluctuations. After 44 years on the earth, you'd think I would no longer be surprised by all this.

Maybe I just need to go find that zen that I must have misplaced down the River.

"Be still. And know that I am God".

Okay...thanks for letting me vent. Big day tomorrow. Going to party at Pascale and Dablans, and then to the beach with Berengere and the kids. Maybe I should try and squeeze in the nature walk. Saturday we have a playdate and Sunday is the school fundraiser garage sale. I think we'll bring rice crispy squares, and my kids will obey me too, and behave like lovely human beings.